I just finish editing my essay! It still sucks. Oh WELL! I’m actually hungry right now but I’m too lazy to get food. Oh well, the world is going to end anyway. JK! HMM But it may end, you never know. JHEEZ no offense my dad is so annoying! He is always telling me to sleep even if I am studying or something. I don’t want to sleep but maybe I should. Sleeping is the best way to take your mind off things. But the thing is, I’ve been having been dreams the past two days. I’m actually scared in a way to go to sleep now. I never told anyone this. I don’t know. It seems weird to talk to someone about your dreams. I am so hungry right now and I ate dinner not too long ago. I want to sleep but at the same time I want to talk to him. But perhaps it is not a good time after what happened last night. Thinking back to it still kind of makes me uneasy in a way. I don’t want to ruin this friendship. But to be honest, I can’t think of him just as a friend and only as a friend. I always feel something more. Maybe I shouldn’t have left like that last night. I can be rude sometimes. 

Hey look its 11:11

dear world: so much for ending. I'm still living

What does it mean to live? This is a question that I got from a movie. The ending was sad but the movie made me think. It’s one of those inspiring movies that really gets you to think. I was really inspired by it. I ask myself this question almost every day. What does it mean to live?

It’s like failing once is not enough but I have decided to fail again. I have a fail relationship life. Its either I have bad timing or something. Its always something. Always. It seems like I always fall for the wrong person. If I can do anything right now, I want to leave. I really do. I’m scared that if I go back to school I might fall for him even more. Its like I’m digging myself a hole and then jumping into it. I’m such an idiot. I should bring a rope next time so I can get back up. I should keep my distance. I want to and I tried many times but I always end up failing. The more time I spend with him, even if its just talking on msn I could feel myself digging myself a bigger hole. When will I finally understand it? He is clearly not interested. Stop believing that maybe one day he will. He won’t and he never will. Why can’t I see that? I somehow always have a way of convincing myself but I always end up giving myself false hope. It hurts more every single time because more and more memories are added to it. I’m actually wishing that the world ends today.

My day was actually well productive today. I am proud. I am well caught up in English and I read like the entire day. I need to keep my mind off this! It kind of hurts just thinking about it. -_- COME ON CARMEN! You can do it! Just don’t think about it! Summer is coming. I want to find a new way to vent. I don’t like crying to be honest. It feels weird. You just cry and then later you’re like why was I even crying? To be honest it does help me feel better in a way. I guess that crying is just a habit for me. Like, I cry when I’m happy, sad or angry. When I’m watching a death scene in a movie or just couples facing problems and yet still managed to be together. Its so touching. I try not to cry though because it is embarrassing, especially in front of everyone. Its so awkward. So yea, need to find a different method. I live near a pond. I thought about walking there when I’m sad and just yelling. But if someone hears me, they might think I’m crazy!

*Raining the entire day. Is he in a mad mood?