Can it really be....?

dang.... All this time I thought he went offline on me because he didn't want to talk to me but I was wrong. He actually never got any of my messages until late or the very next day.. I take back everything I said before.. I feel like a bad person now. Perhaps this is signaling to me that he is not the one for me. Either way I'm fine with the conclusions now. So this is what it comes to.

My day was pretty lame. My mom said that we'll go school supply shopping this morning so I woke up early just to do that because I want to go out tomorrow but nooo.... I woke up early for nothing! We didn't even go until like past 11:30.... I was like -___-" But I did manage to buy everything I need/want. I didn't intend to buy highlighters but OMMMGG It was on sale ): I buy so many useless stuff *sigh... Me and my sister walked to Poutinerie and we brought poutines.. ohkay...... hehe. -______-" just lame..

B1A4 -OK *jamming to this song right now. So catchy. :)

Why are you always like this? Like seriously...

Sometimes I still wonder if I meant anything to you. Sometimes it only feels like I exist to you when you need something from me. I talk to you and you just go offline on me. I just never have the heart to do something like that. Like I ask you a question and ohkay I'm fine if you don't want to answer it. I mean just tell me. But all you do is just go offline on me. It makes me sad.. It brings me back to that night when you said "be right back" but you didn't come back. You don't even make an effort to say bye to me. It feels like I only exist to you when you need something. You message me asking me if I could help you test something on skype. Ohkay I'm cool with that. I help you and after that you said I'll talk to you on msn but you didn't. I was so naive. I thought that I actually meant something to you. I thought that if I waited long enough all my effort would eventually pay off. I sometimes even wonder if you still have that jar of stars I gave you or even my go card. Every time I walk past your street memories would just flood my mind. Every time I think of physics you would just pop into my mind. I still remember once you made me a paper star in physics class. I still have it. It's just not worth it any more. It was never from the start.....

Honestly what the fuck is wrong with you? Like seriously. I know what I'm doing. Like frick its summer. Can't I just enjoy it without you talking shit to me. Like seriously. I could care less. Jheeez... You say I go on the computer too much so I go out. I go out and now you say I go out too much. Like really? I don't give a shit at what you say to me right now because summer is almost ending. I do what I want to do so STFU. You don't even know how stupid you sound when you say shit like that. I feel bad for you sometimes. You're always so angry to realize the beauty in this world. I don't want to be like you. I have dreams. I have goals. I know what I'm doing. Maybe not in terms of relationships but I know where I want to aim my life at. I'm going to dream high.

I love the pictures I see on tumblr. This is too cute :)

Nothing really special today. Except that my friend keeps telling me how she feels like she's controlling my relationship. First of all I don't like people telling me what to do. When people do that I usually do the opposite. Even with my parents. The only people that I actually allow them to control my life are my parents ( since they pay for my expenses) and my teachers. So yea. What does "seeing" actually mean? He told me that we're seeing but I don't really get the meaning to that. I mean I even googled it last night. I don't really want to agree to something that I don't know the meaning to. I'm so inexperienced. D: I will take life one day at a time.


I don't really know where life is taking me. Perhaps this is a challenge for me. An obstacle that I have to overcome. A bridge that I have to cross. 

SO CLOSE! I almost beat my sister!!

My day was pretty ohkay. I have too much on my mind right now...... But yea... It was pretty fun. Jhemily came over and we played crazy eight. LOL why do I always lose in card games... o_O And then we took the bus and we went to Kawaii Crepe. To be honest I'm kind of getting sick of green apple bubble tea now even though I love it. I shall try something new next time. After that we roamed around Osborne. They actually have a lot of cool stores there haha. After that we walked to the forks. OMMG so far and yet fun. At the forks we just looked around and what not. Everything is so fricken expensive there!!! I really liked the yoshi there :D but it was like 40 bucks :S I also liked the necklace there. It was a star. It was 10 dollars. I was going to buy it but since we might go to the states I think I should just buy it there. ( my parents are paying for everything at the states- no offence) From the forks we walked back to Portage place to catch a ride from dad XD So yea that's my day. We did a lot of walking (y) My walk for the rest of the year

Highlight of my day- My dad was driving Jhemily home and he drove right past her street. After she got off my dad was like " I'm so stupid I never get the street right" and my sister said " FINALLY he admits that he's stupid" HAHAHAH LOOOOL SO FUNNNNNY

Jhemily's drink from second cup LOL

Kawaii Crepe with sister and Jhemily :D

I know I'm weak

I can’t help but to feel that everything is my fault. He keeps apologizing for what he asked yesterday but I don’t feel that it’s his fault at all. She keeps telling me “don’t lead him on” and what not and I just feel like shit about it. Even I’m starting to think that I am leading him on. I was so happy the past two weeks especially those two nights at Tyndall. Everything just felt so right. I mean it was just us two. Just me and him watching the sunset and having his arms around me. It felt so right. During the movie on Monday when he had his arms around me and we were holding hands, I wished that time would stop at that very moment. It didn’t of course. After the movie she told me that what we did during the movie reminded her of this guy from her past which is giving her all this depression. Maybe if I didn’t let him put his arms around me or I didn’t sit beside him it might have not reminded her. I just feel so bad about it. I can’t just worry about my own happiness and leave out other people’s feelings. It feels like I’m just hurting everyone especially him. Everything just feels different now. I feel so distant from him. I guess everything happy comes with sadness. I’m happy that I at least felt the happiness. It seems like me being with him is causing pain to others. It keeps reminding her of someone that she couldn’t let go. I think I’m better than her at letting go so maybe I should let go. I’m scared to even talk to him. Even talking to him now feels like I’m “leading him on”. I feel terrible. Everything is my fault ): I haven’t felt like this since second semester only this time it’s 10 times worse. It feels like I’m making their life fall apart like reminding her of her past and making him feel like that it’s his fault. If you actually think about it everything is my fault. I can’t help but cry every time I go back and read what we said yesterday. Especially seeing his good morning message… I just felt the tears coming. No one has ever done that for me before. He means so much to me. I can’t even describe the feeling he gives me. But right now I can’t help but feel so far from him. I can’t help but to push him further away from me. This morning I woke up and went to his blog. I can’t help but to cry even more. He seems so sad because of me. ): If he never met me he should be happy right now… I’m sorry. You keep telling me that I’m not ruining your day but I know I am.

Second semester ended like shit and summer is ending like shit. The only thing I look forward to now is leaving Winnipeg and going to the states for 3 days. I just want to avoid people. I miss him a lot right now… I want to see him and just be in his arms one more time. but I’m scared to do anything or say anything to him. I don’t want to lead him on… ): I just feel like giving up. I know I’m weak.

I wish I was in Korea.

taecyeon

I'm going to go watch Dream High. It's going to keep my mind off this for at least an hour. Even though this is all I think about about everyday. I'm glad it's summer vacation... so this is where summer 2011 takes me...

Honestly just leave me alone.

Yeah it's like you're the only one that has a lot going on in your mind. Like seriously frick just leave me alone. I go to your house and all you make me do is answer your questions. Like frick you asked me that already like what the hell. " do you like him"? " is it 50/50" ? " do you like it when he puts his arm around you"? " what happened at tyndall" ? Like seriously no offence but fuck off. Ohkay. The last thing you say to me when I leave your house is " don't lead him on" .. OKHAY you think I want to? honestly????? like yea man.. jheez frick... I don't even know what I'm doing ohkay? Do you think I want to hurt him? NO! like seriously.. ?? I just want people to fricken leave me alone and stop asking me about him. It's getting to me so much that I just want to fricken leave. ohkay... I'm going through a lot too... ): I don't even know what's right and what's wrong any more or what should I do that's best for both of us. I just wish people would stop questioning me. Like frick man its the same questions every single time too -_-" yea ohkay my answers are going to change within a day... JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I answer you because I don't want to be rude but seriously.. I'm already so confused.. "how do you feel about him"? yeah if I know I wouldn't be confused. I don't know how I feel about him. My feelings for him.. even I myself can't put into words. I just know that every time I'm with him I don't want to leave. I just know that every morning when I wake up I see a message from him I would just smile. But seriously just please leave me alone. PLEASE. I beg you. I feel bad the more things you guys say to me. It feels like I am hurting him.. ): I don't want that. :/ I don't know what to do.. Like omg I'm so scared. I started crying... I turned on the water so that parents can't hear me. You think this is easy for me? Come on....

replay

What a long day and it's only 3.. HAHA I wonder what he's doing...

I keep replaying everything he said to me and what I said to him. Could I have said something else or in a different way? Or not said anything at all? I don't even know. Silence hurts. Everything hurts. Today I'm just not in the mood

Today was supposed to be a good day too... ): My grandparents are going to Chicago today and we drove them to the airport. I just wasn't in the mood. I was just replaying everything that was said. It kind of hurts to be honest... Waking up to a question like that. There wasn't even a smiley face ): I don't even know anymore. Everyone's life seems to have problems but I can never seem to find the answers to my own problems. Perhaps there is no answer. Or maybe when I find it the answer the questions has already been solved by someone else.. Anyway after the airport we ate lunch at Tim Horton's. I was waving at this old man because my mom said he can't see me through the window. I know he can but I did it anyway. Even if I'm not really in the mood today I want to hear laughter from others. What's a better way to laugh than seeing the ones you care about laugh. We went to polo park after. OMG I love garage but I'm poor. OMMG that jacket and the vest.

No difference ......

Every single guy is the same. Back then in second semester when I confessed to him he told me that he's unsure and then he added " don't worry I'll still hold your hand and hug you" and now a different guy asks me "Just wondering do you like the time we spend because, there's someone to hold you or because it's me" so they think I'm like that. I just let anyone do whatever .... I like being close to someone I really do. It's makes me feel safe and warm inside but damn .... Haha But not just anyone... Like damn... I'm not like  that. Life is always playing jokes on me.

Ever since you confessed to me I have to admit I've been thinking about you a lot. I thought about us. I thought about a "relationship" but I can't give you an answer because I'm unsure and I'm having mix feelings for everything. I'm just so confused right now. Like Frick. Whatever... He thinks I'm with him because I want to be close to someone... lol... I mean I do but it's because of him. I wouldn't want anyone else doing something like that to me. Like that one time we went to starbucks together. We didn't do anything that was " close" and i still had a great time. But now... wow just wow i don't even know what to say like damn. Sometimes I wonder if I really do like him. The one day we didn't talk I did miss him and it bothered me a lot. I do feel something towards him but I just got to be more sure of it ... you know what?? Just screw everything... It's probably gonna end shitty anyway. If it didn't work out the first time why would it work out the second time. Why bother wasting each others time. He thinks I'm like that anyway. Just getting close to him for the sake of being close to someone. Yea because I'm just that easy and that open. Fuck everything. Like seriously just forget and screw everything. Maybe he didn't even intend it that way and I'm just over sensitive. Not that it matters anymore. Usually I don't give a shit about what people think because I don't like explaining myself but damn hearing him ask me that... Even I'm starting to think I'm like that ... :( it even hurts when i think about myself that way. screw everything. I hate guys.

Last two days were awesome

HAHAH yesterday went back to school clothes shopping with Mandy and Jessica. It was fun. I brought two cardigans ~ RAWR so poor now ): Jessica and I missed the bus and we waited 40 minutes. Today we also missed the bus! It was fun. We went to Asia City. YAY Finally got my green apple bubble tea <3 And then we watched bridesmaid. The movie was ohkay. HAHA I was kind of distracted because he had his arm around me. And then we went to Aaron's. He said he sucks at playing guitar but he's such a pro.

Everyone is asking if I like him and the truth is I really don't know and to be honest I don't really want to be in a relationship at the moment for 3 reasons. 1. I don't know if I feel the same way towards him.... 2. School is starting soon and I want to focus since it's my final year and graduation 3. I don't want to be in a serious relationship right now. I don't know if I'm ready. I know he's serious and in a way it kind of scares me.. SO YEA I told him and he wants to be friends for some time. He likes what we are right now and to be honest I like it to. That's what it counts right?At least I think that's what he meant

I don't really know...

I feel like a jerk every time I'm close to him. I don't know if I feel the same way back. I like talking to him and spending time with him and being close with him. I miss the feeling of being that close to someone but does it mean that I like that person? I don't know... I really don't. It feels like I'm just being selfish here :/ I'm scared. I don't want to hurt him....

Last weekend with grandparents until they go to Chicago !! HAHAH! Next week I shall spend more time with my other grandma :) My day was pretty cool.... Literally played fruit ninja all day hahah!! I like chopping fruits XD Went to Portage Place with sis and we brought pencils and a cute eraser!!! :) and a large Iced Capp

If only I know the answers to life...

random moments

the blue bus