When you say something but it means something else to someone else

well sorry! I don't control your mind. I can't help it when you take things the wrong way. So you're annoyed? Well I'm annoyed that you're annoyed... I don't want to be mean or anything but it annoys me a lot when people question about my personal life. It screws up my thoughts. Like really it does. "how's this how's that" Just think... if I want to talk about it I would gladly talk to you about it.. When I say " I don't want to talk about it" I am already saying it in the nice way. Sorry if you think that I'm giving you attitude.. you tell me then? How the heck can I rephrase " I don't want to talk about it" A sentence says a million words. It's nice how you're concerned but sometimes we're all just busy with life. Doing my chemistry homework and doing a good job of it takes me at least an hour and a half. English just takes up my entire night and I still do bad in it. But the point is when you message and we don't reply doesn't mean we're giving you the attitude it probably means we're busy.. ugh frick I don't even know how to put it into words. But yea..... smh..

wanting but not giving...

I had such a bad day today... D: This morning my sister had an argument with dad and of course when your siblings get in trouble you get in trouble too. No offence but I have like the most DISCOURAGING parents ever.. Like holy fuck... :@ They expect lots and they assume that we know every fricken thing in the fricken world. When I say I want to go into law or med they say that " oh you can't do it" and shit along those lines. Like FUCK I'm your daughter. If you say that to just anyone it would lower their self-esteem considering I'm you child? Where is the logic in this? I try to not let it affect me but in reality it does even just a little bit but it does. In a way it also gives me strength. I want to prove to them that I can do it. I can do it only if I want to do it. Not them.. Now don't get me wrong I love my parents but they certainly don't present themselves well as parents. For example my sister just asked my mom to drop her off at the library and I say "the library" not "the mall" and my mom fricken complains about that? Like really? She's going there to study... HER education. She's not shopping there and yet she fucking complains because she cannot turn out of the parking lot due to traffic. But really... My aunt drives us to the mall and the traffic was ten times worse and I don't see her complaining... like really?? We're going to the mall too and my sister was going to study and she bitches out on me.. like seriously?? I just don't get that.. They want but they're not willing to give... They want us to go to university and yet they're not making the slightest effort to drive us to the library to do homework and study without complaining.. That drives me crazy...


I did terrible on my a/c in precal... that made me sad.. really sad.. but what made me even more sad was when he apologized to me after school.. He didn't do anything wrong... He shouldn't be saying sorrry... He shouldn't be sorry about anything. I felt so bad.. everything is my fault.. It feels like I'm ruining his day... Maybe I'm not the entire reason but I know I am part of the reason.. I went to the airport last night and he said " I don't want you to leave" but what I want right now is what he doesn't want the most and that is I want to leave right now.. at this very moment.. I just want to go to a place far away and just do nothing.. Everyone and everything is just pissing me off... :@ 

see the little things in life

I know this sounds weird but last night I got inspired by a lamp. It was a kids lamp too. The ones that turn around. So cool. 8) It's my bro's. Just felt inspired.. WEIRD .. haha life is weird. I learn to just enjoy the little things in life. 


This is from yesterday that I forgot to add. Last morning I was walking around the school with my sister and this random Chinese girl just came up to us and started talking to my sister in Chinese. I thought it was really funny. I was laughing on the inside. She asked her what class she has. At first I thought my sister knew her from Chinese school or something LOLOL and so my sister asked her what class she had and she said spare. And then my sister asked her what grade is she in and she said " I'm in grade 11 aren't you in my p.e class?" LOLOLOL My sister was like "no" [ she has gym second semester] and then the girl was like " isn't your name Nicole". My sis was like no.. LOL and then she realized she had the wrong person and she ran away.. SO FUNNYYY!! Highlight of yesterday! XD


Went to the airport to pick up grandparents from Chicago. WELCOME BACK! feels like they never left. XD 

when reality hits

It seems like I'm still living in a world of fantasy. Looking at things in a way too simple way. But when reality actually hits it hits me as well. It hits me hard. I don't know I mean things are just so [insert word here] I can't even find the right words. I just feel so alone and just want someone to talk too.. but everyone seems busy.. feels like people forgot about me ): feel sad. And annoyed... -_-" "curiosity doesn't hurt" but frick it gets annoying.. no offence. I don't wanna sound like a bitch but seriously.. Messaging me asking about me and him and this and that like frick. Why should I tell you everything that goes on in my life? Or where I am especially my relationship life.. -__-" Once in awhile is ok but after that it just annoys me.. I have low tolerance. She asks wayyy to many questions.. :S


I'm doing okay in precal now.. Ugh except those daily mental maths... forces me to actually study and know the info that I will never use again in my life. I got 10/10 on one which made part of my day and then I got 7.5/10 on the second one... ehhh... D: In english we got put into groups and this guy [my friend's ex] kept asking me if I know about the "plan" and "him" At first I was like WTF is he talking about until it hits me. At lunch today my friend showed me this note which is related to him.. I don't even get the story and he assumes I'm part of his "evil plan" WTTHHH I don't even fully understand his plan. Actually I don't even know his plan !! The frick D: And he said that he's gonna blame me if something happens ): what the heckkk ))):

I feel sad.... ): or maybe I'm just tired

PEOPLE COME AND PEOPLE GO. PEOPLE LIVE AND PEOPLE DIE.WE ALL LIVE A LIFE THAT TRULY BELONGS TO OUR OWN. A LIFE THAT DEFINES WHO WE ARE. A STORY THAT CAN BE ONLY TOLD FROM YOU.

But I do feel sad .. What is it really? I have things to say but I don't know what to say. I feel trapped, isolated, and distant from everyone else. I feel bothered... What is it that it is bothering me? Random sadness... *sigh


Went to bed at like 11 last night and woke up at 11:30. I really miss sleeping in. Nowadays I just feel like sleeping and eating and doing nothing. Seems so lifeless. What happened to all my determination from before? Why is it gone so fast? Why do things fade so fast? Why does time go by so fast? It feels different. Things feels different. Perhaps is it different now. Different..... ):  I just feel so so tired. This lazy habit it harder to break off than I thought it would


Highlight of my day: My mom showed us dad's notebook and he had names that he was going to name us when we were born. One of the names was Inch. Yeahh..... so my sister said " is he going to name our brother feet. 


Today is 9-10-11... 

You build a wall to keep something unwanted out or to hold something precious in- Jodi Picoult [perfect match]


Today in Chinese school our teacher asked us this question: " If one day you found out that you only have one year left to live what would you want to do?" Strangely nothing came to my mind. There's so much that I want to do but I never take any action. So urgently I said school. LOL thought I could get away with it. :P So he then asked me "why school? What do you want to get out of it? When you die you can't take the knowledge with you" And so I thought.. I worked so hard for almost all of my childhood life and putting so much time into school. What do I want from it? I want an education. I want my parents to be proud. But then I realized that I want to grad. I work hard just to grad right? I want that diploma. I want to walk up onto that stage and get it. I want my high school one. I want my university one. I won't give up. I will take my education to the highest degree. I will work hard. I will break off my lazy habits. 


I will make it work again between us. I will not give up even if it hurts. I don't want to lose this friend. Aja Aja Fighting ! 

You know what's stupid? Me..... I post stuff on the internet and expect people not to read it.. ahha yeah right..


I'm trying.. I really am. This isn't the outcome that I want. Friends? yeahhh ohkay .... I'm trying to keep our conversation going but it seems like he doesn't even want it any more. I'm at the verge of giving up. What can I do? I cannot undo what has happened already. I cannot undo the undo So what now? Like really? You don't know how much it hurts to see his replies... feel like shit. effffffff FML. I don't even know what to say.. He doesn't know what to say.. So where is the point in this conversation? You know what I hate? Seeing the people that you care about feeling sad. What's worse? You can't do any thing about it.


You know what I also hate? When you tell someone to remove a photo that contains you in it and they don't remove it and take it as a fricken joke. That pisses me off so much. You're nice and tell them to remove it like one million times and yet they continue to post it. I learnt something from this. Never send photos to people like that. They disrespect your will. They don't even have your permission to post it in the first place. First few times I will let go because I don't want to stir up shit but keep it up and you cross my line fuck the shit. I don't even care. Once I'm pissed I'm pissed.. I will even report you on the site if you cross my line that far. I could care less about anything right now.

I keep asking myself this question. is this really really really what I want ? I keep second guessing everything that crosses my mind. Every thought. I'm sad. I really am. How did we end up in this dead end? Is there really no other solution to this? It feels like that you don't want anything to do with me anymore. You told me that I don't have to sit with you in class and you don't want to talk to me. Is it really over between us in terms of anything ? Are we really at a dead end? Is this not reversible ? 

I believe that if we were meant to be together even if we're not together now somehow fate would bring us back together if it's meant to be. What happens now does not matter if I'm designated to be with him. Because if I'm designated to be with him I would eventually end up with him. If I'm not then I'm not. I believe in fate and destiny and what's meant to be. 

I really hate seeing him sad. He is almost always happy. I'm not worth being sad over or the cause of it. 

Life doesn't hurt until you think about how much things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it was your fault.


I don't know why I'm typing so much.. It feels like I have a lot to say but I can't seem to find the right words for it.. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now and I don't really like this feeling. Hmmm.. wonder what he's doing.

This is really random. At the moment I'm talking to a friend that I went to junior high with HAHA He's one year younger than me and I knew him through my sister. Talking to him brings back a lot of old junior high memories. I remember walking through a back lane with my sister and friends and we got chased by a dog. I also remember skipping stones at the lake and activity day. We went golfing and skating. Good times. It felt like yesterday. So much has changed since then. I don't even talk to some of those friends any more and a couple went to different schools. But yea I actually like right now. I have great friends and my grades aren't too bad. I mean if I could go back in time I would change some things but yea.. I don't I can't. I have to continue living and making the best. If I have to face something I will face it. I don't know what I'm doing right now... Should I take the first step? I don't know..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO! You're 7 now :O

"Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most."-

I am bored. I mean there are millions of others things that I could be doing like reading, making my chem title page and doing my precal homework but hmmm I'm not doing it *sigh I just feel so bored and hungry.. It's so hard to break this lazy habit D: Anyway forgot to mention that its my bro's birthday today!!! HAHAHA he's old. He's 7 now :O Omg in three years he's going to be 10! As if seven 7 passed by already. I still remember when he first came home and what not. He's so annoying now no offence :P Time sure goes by fast.

I'm scared. I seriously am. I'm scared about the future and where I want to go after high school and what I want to get into... I'm scared just about almost anything. I'm scared to take chances.. One year from now where will I be? What will I be doing? Who will I met? Who will I still be in contact with? Who will I drift from? So many answers that I want to know. But some things are better left unknown like the future. Less hope equals less disappointment. You never know what's going to happen. Its scary but at the same time there is excitement. We live right now just so we can move into the future tomorrow. Just live life one day at a time.

I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything? ....

I've got to admit.. I miss how we used to talk. It was so fun and interesting. Our topics always varied hahahaha I'm not really used to it now I mean not talking to him over twitter any more. I don't know.. It just feels different. I got so used to it over the summer... *dang...... :/ I think he hates me or something... I mean if I were him I would too. I mean we don't wait for each other after class and what not. I stayed after English for just one minute because Tulner was talking to me and BAM he's gone... k that's cool.. I wasn't even the one that ended our twitter talk. I mean he said good morning and I did too....... Everything just feels different. hmmm..... As long as he's happy. Sometimes we just have to go along with life and whatever happens happens.

I'm getting used to school. I knew we had an a/c for precal today!!! Wuhahahhahahaha I was prepared. I studied last night and got 8.5/10. Way better than my first one... I got 3/5.. That's because it was a random out of no where one... -_- I still like Chemistry at the moment :) He didn't give us homework yet. All he did was talk 8) I love this room. Its cool 8) cool as in the room is cool like its not warm but cool.

I saw this on one of my friend's facebook status and I thought that it was really cute ahhaha

only 12% of the Earth's population can solve this puzzle in 30 seconds. Say the opposite of these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down


YOU GET IT????????????

I just feel bad.. like seriously... D:

Like seriously...... ))): I feel so sad.. I don't know what to do... Feels like he doesn't even want to talk to me even as a friend.. I don't know he just seems sad and what not.. Ugh why do I fail so much like seriously..... effffffffff can we like not even be friends now?? ): well I don't blame him. I'm such a sad person. I wish there was a different solution to this... He already seems stressed out because of moving and now it feels like I'm adding to his stress... why am I like this? why I can't I do something well for once in life. Why does it feel like that I'm always hurting the ones that care about me the most? ..... 

Do things always get worse before they get any better?

Today was a better day I must say! Things in terms of school is falling into a routine and I'm starting to get used to it. I actually like chemistry at the moment. Maybe its because all he did was talk... I kind of like my class too. I'm sitting with Kim [omggg this is going to be an interesting class] and Jessica. I'm actually really worried about all my classes especially English.. Maybe its because it was never really my strength. The teacher kind of scares me toooo~~ :S If I had a choice I would drop but then if I drop it I can't take English trans second semester as I need English 40S in order to take it... -_-" I seriously don't have the confidence for that class. I can't compose anything like seriously -_-" And the class is over populated too. Wish the class was smaller. It makes learning easier. Hope English works out.. I actually miss Ms.Krawchuk... She doesn't scared me as much as Tulner S: although she marks hard but I think he's gonna mark 10 times as hard. I don't feel ready at all :S

My lunch hour was awesome in a way. I miss say I miss Mandy and Aaron. Lunch hours without them is not the same. It seems a lot more quiet and empty.. I miss them I must say.

He seems sad... Is it because of me??? I feel bad ): Life is weird. Just like 3 days ago we were talking and now BAM.. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. I want him to be happy but I don't think I'm the one to give him the happiness. I don't know. Maybe its just me but he seems sad or down... or something. If the stuff that has happened us didn't happen at all maybe things would be different right now.. I don't know. I don't regret because it was once what I wanted. I didn't know it would lead up to this. Maybe I should have handle this differently.  I did such a bad job of it. It feels kind of awkward to even be friends. I don't even know what to say to him in class. I feel bad because it seems like I don't want to talk to him but really I just don't know what to say. Dang.. I screwed up big time... EFFFFFFFF

This kind of reminds me of last summer. summer of 2010. Although it was nothing like this. Not even close. I met this guy at this place I used to go to for math tutoring. He was about 4 years older than me. He helped me with math and I found out that he went to Sisler. Of course I didn't know him because I was in gr9 at that time and he was graduating that year. I didn't like him or anything. Kay, this might sound creepy but over the summer I had a lot of time in my hand. I searched him up and added him on facebook. I don't even remember how I knew his last name. I added him and inbox him asking if me remembers me and what not. And so that started a conversation that lasted about 1 and a half months? Fast forward here comes school. Grade 11 precal started rough on me. I didn't understand how to graph the sine and cosine shit. So I asked him for help and he actually offered to meet up at the library to help me. I was like wow he's nice. But I don't know I guess things just went ehhhh. He even offered to help me again although the second time around I wasn't so interested.. So yea we stopped talking over the inbox all together. I even stopped going to that math place. [ my grades actually got better after I stopped going. Maybe its just me] I don't know.... Life is weird.

But that is way different compared to this summer. I don't know what to do... I don't want to avoid it any more. He seems down and I can't help but to feel that its because of me. :/ I don't handle these stuff well and I know that from past experience... D: Maybe this is indicating that I'm designated to be forever alone...

feeling the stress already & its only the first day

My day wasn't bad. It just felt very very long -_-" *sigh My math teacher Mr. Parker gave us homework on the first day. OMMMGG I don't remember any of this. SHIT!! I spent 3 hrs doing it and I didn't even finish!!  I feel so tired right now! Maybe going to wal-mart last night at 9:30 pm wasn't such a great idea after all :S EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FEEL SO ANNOYED and stressed and unsure but mostly stressed. I don't even know why I'm annoyed D:

I've been thinking a lot.... A lot has happened last month. Like seriously a lot. I've given myself a chance at it and I don't know. Right now it feels like that this isn't what I really want. Maybe I'm making decisions based on temporary feelings but yea... I just don't feel it any more :S I feel like that he isn't the one for me after all. I don't know..... We don't even talk as much now and I feel maybe that's not even a bad thing at all. Maybe its better for both of us. He feels more like a brother or even a close friend but right now I don't really see him as a boyfriend or anything along those lines. Yeaah... I don't know. Feels like we shouldn't talk about it right now. I mean school just started [and precal is already stressing me out] and he lives far. Not to mention that he has to wake up early and what not. I don't feel like its right to talk about it now.. But would things get worse and more complicated as time goes on? And I have two classes with him too....... He's probably more focus than me anyway.. Since he was no internet.. He probably won't be reading this..  Which is good. I'm not really ready to deal with it yet if anything. After all avoiding is my thing.

Its kind of sad... Someone that once meant so much to you, someone that you were once really close to passes by you in the hallway and its like you guys never even met... Dang... When I pass by that hallway and especially him memories would just flood my mind. Both good and bad. *sigh I'm finishing dream high right now.

AS if school is tomorrow D:

My last day is pretty great. *sigh as if school is really tomorrow. Time to face reality again D: And stress and work and homework and studying and exams........ D: This morning I went to get my time table change lol I filled in my spare with Accounting HAHA XD After that we went to Tim Horton's and then cousins. She gave us a pencil and we went bowling at polo after. Brought a sweater at garage. I seriously got to stop buying clothes... like seriously. We then went back to cousins and drank soup. After that we went to the library and then Sobeys to buy lunch for school tomorrow ): 

At home I cleaned my room and started packing for school. Had so much laundry to do. Right now I'm finishing dream high. AS IF SCHOOL IS ACTUALLY TOMORROW )))): 

I'm ready I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm readyI'm ready  I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready  I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready  who am I kidding???? I'm NOT ready D: 

PHOTOS from States Trip :D

CLOTHES THAT I BROUGHT :DD

SUNSET at the boarder near 10

SUNSET at the boarder at 8pm

SUNSET at the boarder at 7pm

SUNSET at the boarder at 6pm