Random: Cup Noodles LOL

I'm weak, It's true Cause I'm afraid to know the answer- [True]

Finally this day is over. Should I reply back? I don’t even know… What if he still doesn’t want to talk to me? What if he just randomly stops talking to me again? I don’t want that again. I feel so bad. That feeling… it hurts a lot. My day started off bad. We had this a/c in precal today and it was just bad. It was so bad that in our afternoon math class he made us do a redo for the morning one. I did better the second time so that made me felt a bit better. I actually signed an autograph for him today. I was going to give it to him after class but I lost my courage to. Why am I so awkward? He doesn’t want to talk to me any more but if I don’t give it now I probably won’t get the chance anymore. Who knows what’s going to happen in 20 years. I need to stay strong and just do it like dang…. I always have second thoughts about everything and its just screwing me over. Whenever I get a notification on my iPod for some reason I still think that’s it’s from him. Don’t you get it? He doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. He even said it. “Maybe it’d be best if we didn’t” in other words; let’s not talk anymore. It just felt so sudden… like everything else that has happened this year.

Good morning world

I want to say good morning to him as well but... I know he's not going to reply. He's never going to reply again. It was a bad and hurtful night last night. Woke up a couple of times. Woke up this morning and found myself crying. I didn't break my promise Its still night kinda... I'm still wondering if it's something I did :( everything was fine during spare ... I don't even know what happened. A few hours later i message you because i wanted to talk but then you tell me maybe its better if we didn't. Are you mad because i didn't say bye after school? Don't tell me its okay because its not okay :( Why is it always like this?? I'm sorry. I already said I won't bother you when you're  doing homework... I'm sorry for always being such a bother to you. 

I'm leaving for good now......

I don't want this but what can I do? He doesn't want to talk anymore.. :( no one wants to.

I should leave for good now. Such a fool. When will I ever snap out of it? ...

It hurts the longer I wait. Why do I always hurt myself this way? I wish I was more mentally strong.

Goodnigt world. Goodnight....

This feels like the longest hour of my life

Why do people always come and go? Why is it always sudden? I'm not prepared for this. I'm not ready.....

No wonder it's so cold outside :/ it's only 5 degrees. I'm running out of things to blog :S I feel hungry too now :/ weeeeeh this sucks. I'm sleepy but I want to wait. maybe he just fell asleep I mean I do that all the time :S

Is it cold outside ?

Or is it just me?? Haha I feel really cold right now even under my covers. I should really sleep but I don't know why I'm still waiting when clearly he's long gone..... Maybe he left a long time ago like everyone else. Everyone that once said they wouldn't leave me they did... I only trust myself now because no matter how hard I try or how much I want to... I just can't leave myself behind.

Reality sucks.

Promising myself

I'm promising myself that this is the very last night I will cry for any guy... or wait for any guy. Ill try not to break this promise. It's so hard being strong... I can't put myself together right now. because it's hurting me so fricken much. I can't even describe it. I thought I was over this feeling. The feeling of emptiness and unwanted but why is it back now? I knew this strand of happiness wouldn't last... :/ 

Once again I'm back to where I started except so much further back. 

Why do people always ignore me?

Is it really that fun for them? I'm just here waiting for an answer that I'm never going to get. It's like I'm not even worth their time. But the thing is I still wait. Thats why I'm still up. it's so hard blogging on my iPod. But what can I do? What if they reply? Haha silly me... I'm so dumb. I don't want to be but I'm just used to it. He's probably long gone.... Maybe even sleeping right now. I just don't get it. It's like I'm there but I'm not. I don't even know why I'm blogging again haha... I guess this just passes the time. 

Time makes everything better. Changes happen within time. But is it for the better or for the worse?

This hurts 

You don't even know. I really miss how things used to be between us. How we can just talk casually with nothing between us and now you don't even want to talk to me anymore. And it's hurts. I can't help but to think that this is my fault. why am I such a burden to everyone? :'( I feel so sad right now... Gaaaaaah I hate this feeling. Go away. Please. :( don't come back. 

If he doesn't want to talk I can't do anything about it. It just feels so sudden and it's hurts... :/ fml. 

Why are you being like this?

Like seriously.. wow. I don't even know what to say to you any more. What are you trying to do like really.. What did I do? We talked during spare and what not.. So why are you being like this right now? Like seriously.. uggghhh :@

If I didn't want to talk I wouldn't message you good morning.. like wow.. jheeez. I don't understand guys. Never did. Never will. #reality.

NOW I feel bad for not responding... BUT what do you want me to say.... -_-" :@@@@

Being lazy is so easy.

It really is. I've been really lazy lately and slacking off. I didn't get the mark I wanted on my chemistry test and when I went over my test and did my corrections I was just mad at myself. I know how to do it and for some questions I didn't even read the question correctly. I make myself feel dumb. I really have trouble overcoming my laziness. Its just so hard. I should think up a new study routine like going to the library. My house is too loud to study ): and plus this new drama series on tv. I have trouble waking up too. ): So I must make use of my evening time and try not to sleep so late. Its just so bad. Must not put things aside and say I will do it later because knowing myself I won't do it later or even do it at all. Must break this off. Must achieve to the point where I want to be. Must concentrate and ignore the stuff that shouldn't matter.

I don't know if having you in my class is a good idea or not. I was just randomly sitting in English one day and all of a sudden I had a flashback of all the memories we had together. It was bittersweet. I thought about how you asked me to sit beside you and how we started talking and everything else that happened after that. I remembered the time that I kissed you on the cheek and the one you gave me unexpectedly after class. Life is unexpected. Thinking back things have changed. It feels like that I changed too. But I don't know. I never seem to understand myself any more or what I want. I sometimes wonder if I still like you. But you know once you like someone even when you don't like them any more those feelings will always be there. But I don't know this doesn't really concern me any more. I should really ignore all of this and focus on the things that should matter.

I miss grade 9. Kinda... lol
Yesterday I visited my grade 9 English teacher Ms.Covernton. She still remembers me :) I was happy. We talked for a bit and she still teaches grade 9 and 10 English. Dang.. time goes by so fast. We really need to grab a hold of it. Grade 9 felt like yesterday and BAM I'm graduating this year. Today I visited my 9 grade math and science teacher Mr.Russel. As if he still remembers me !!!! He moved the desks around in his classroom. Wow time please slow down. I'm falling behind.

I can't seem to fall asleep

I feel unwanted and rejected by everyone. It hurts when everyone is stepping down on you. Turning down everything you say and everything you do. I have to pretend that everything is okay when really it's eating me inside. Bit by bit.  I'm slowly losing confidence in myself and in everything I do now. 

There's always going to be someone better than you. Always. Just remember that

So much to do and so little time. Stressing over homework. I must stay on top of my studies and not let my studies top me. I must never fall behind because if I do its going to be hard to catch up. I have to get good marks and I mean good makrs because no matter how good you are there's always going to be someone better than you. Always. I will remember that so next time when I slack off during my studies I will remember that if I don't do this now its going to be way harder later on. There are no short cuts in life. I'd rather take the long way and work myself around it than cutting through and missing half of it. That way I can see more it. Goodnight.

BTW Its my choir teacher's birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MS.BOYES :) been in choir for 4 years now. :)

Dream High.

“Sometimes when you feel people are moving on faster and better than you whether its career or relationships. Remember than by moving slower it means you can see much more around you and understand your surroundings better than those who rush ahead - Teacher Kang” [dream high]

This song really inspires me. This drama really inspires me too. It motivates me that if I have a dream I will have to work hard for it. Everything was said impossible before it was done. I believe that if you work hard enough how matter how many obstacles you will have to overcome in the end it will worth it. If its meant to be yours.


I recommend you all to watch it :) only 16 episodes XD 

I swear it ends worse every single time

This is not what I want. Its not what i want at all. I feel so very sad. I should just stop talking like fuck I'm not making things better. Words hurt. :( I felt so bad at what he said. It's like someone stabbed me in the heart. Why do things like this always happen on a Friday night :( I feel so sad. Like really..... Is it really over? Are we over? My life is a repetition. Everything keeps repeating over and over again. It never ends. I feel like I'm never important enough to anyone. What am I even living for? I have no sense of direction. I'm lost and I don't think I'll ever find my way back. 

Foolish Dreams

LOL I just read back a few blog entries from like a year ago and LMAO such dreams I had. LOL move to Toronto and work at the CN tower and go sing karaoke at the Chinatown and eat noodles. Go shopping at Pacific Mall!! Go to Alaska. That's great =D HAHAAH It sounds great and so happy too. But I should really distinguish between reality and dreams. Especially moving to Toronto its not as easy.  LMAO to be honest I'd rather go live in B.C. It's a goal I have set for myself. But anyhow Winnipeg is my home and I love it. I love my friends. I love Sisler. I love my family. I love my computer. I even love my stupid Kitchen. It would be nice though to get out of here once in awhile and see this world. Toronto is great. It really is. Well minus traffic issues. Everything is highway and I can't fricken drive... HAHA reading back some of these old entries made me LOL... hahah. I feel better. I'll say goodnight to chemistry for now. At least I got through half the questions.. kinda :S Goodnight world. Goodnight everyone. 

The Beginning

Its funny how easily someone can just walk into your life and how easily they can just walk out. The endings that end slowly are the most painful endings of all. Everyday just seems like a drag until slowly everything just ends without having to say the very last word. What we once had just faded away like it never happened at all. What's left are like pieces that don't fit into an unfinished 
puzzle. One day you have to give up, buy a new one and eventually having to start all over again...... 


So that  ^^is what I did when exams were near last semester or last year rather I  started typing out a story. lol  I only got to like chapter 2 and I gave up. I think I should continue it. I have a lot of inspiration right now. But really I'd rather be doing something else. But I guess sometimes in life you can't always do/have what you want. Once you messed up something up its over. There's no pulling back no matter how hard you try to. It will never be the same again. It hurts its all I can say. It really does. The ache that you feel. Is it even possible to own something that doesn't belong to you? Like I don't know.. Every time you talk to me now it always seems to be sad.. And I feel sad about it and I should. I can't seem to understand myself because my feelings almost always varies that's why I can never decide on things. Or once I decide on something I have second thoughts and seriously this is really screwing me over.It's okay because it seems like he doesn't want to talk any more. I remember him saying "until that day comes I will reply" I guess that day came.. You know. It sucks. It hurts. Its not okay but its okay because I can live through it. It hurts now but it will be over. Everything ends. Everyone ends up leaving anyway. Its life.  I can't seem to know what he's thinking about any more. As long as he's happy.   

I don't believe anything anyone says to me any more

Why do I kept coming back here? Because there's no one else that I can talk to that's why. Or rather no one wants to talk to me.. Its ironic. I named this blog 幸福的一頁 meaning a page full of happiness but nowadays nothing happy seems to be worth blogging about.. That's why I'm always afraid to be happy because it always goes away. At least that's what it seems like ): I don't even know. Everything is lies. Pure lies. I don't care any more. Do what makes you happy. Just be it. I get it. I understand. Its okay.... What does it matter? Forget and forget. Like I can't even use homework to keep my mind off things. Got stuck on this fricken chemistry question and I took my sadness out on it. I'm so sensitive. I get affected and distracted way too easily. Its so bad.. Should I just sleep?... *sigh ): What does it mean to live?

that awkward moment when someone is staring at you staring into space

so awkward.. I fricken zoned out in the kitchen and my sister was staring at me. I don't feel like doing anything. I can't even seem to focus even if I wanted to do my homework. ): this sucks.. I'm not in the mood. I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even feel like blogging right now but there's nothing else to do. I have a ton of homework waiting for me but to be honest I'm not in the mood to do it. I should just ignore the things that don't matter and focus on the things that does matter. But what matters?

It's like I'm walking down this long road looking for a right stop. Every time I think that I have arrived something always kicks me back out. I'm done trying. I really am this time. I give up. Its like a knot that can't seem to untie itself. Its bothering me so much. Tears that can't come out." When a proud heart is hurt, friendship is the best medicine" - Shakespeare. Pain will go away. Its just a matter of time. Sadness will go away once you encounter something that makes you happy. Everything and everyone goes away. Nothing stays.#reality 


I must be stronger. But sometimes its just so much easier being weak

I don't feel like myself lately

"JUST AS THE JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES BEGINS WITH ONE STEP, EVERY STORY EVER WRITTEN BEGAN WITH JUST ONE SENTENCE." -novel first sentences


Is it because that I'm stressed? I don't know. 


I got pissed at myself today because in precal we had another a/c and I got 3/4. I got the last question wrong because I forgot to switch the variables around!!! :@ I'm never going to make that mistake again.!! -_-" And that person [ don't even know her name] that sits behind me in that class keeps kicking my chair. SO fricken annoying :@ I was so tempted to turn around and tell her to stop but ugh she marks my accountability checks... -___-" Choir was so awkward today! Ms.Boyes made all the grade 12 altos go up. Awkward!! yeaaahh 


I shall do chem now. bye