I guess I only exist when you need someone to talk to ...
this kinda hurts.

What can I do? The least I could do is not bother you. I really try but sometimes I just want to give up. But to be honest, I really want to give this a shot even if it fails. He only sees us as being close friends. I bet once this semester is over, we're not even going to be close friends or even talk. I don't know what to do anymore. Better question, what can I do?

I guess I'll sleep now. No point in staying up when you're not talking to me.

):

It starts like this

Lately, I’ve been talking to my friend Mark. He’s been feeling really down and I hate seeing him like this. ): I wish I could help him but I don’t know what to say to make him feel better. But I’m glad he talks to me about it even though I’m no help. Last night he brought something up and it was about us. It all goes back to grade 10 first semester. He sat beside me in our drafting class. As time went by we talked, not a lot but we talked. I eventually got his msn from his friend. I thought that he was a very cool guy with the Asian hair and such. After class I would walk him to gym class and I went to science. I also went with him to his geography class. After school sometimes he waits for me at my locker or the other way around because our lockers were in the same hallway. I liked him for a bit. I remember him asking me who I like and I randomly said that the guy I like is in Korea. WOW I wish I said it back then because apparently, he was kind of interested. *face palm. I asked him this “if I told you back then, do you think we would have had a chance” and he said “possibly”. Makes me feel kind of regret for not telling him. I wonder what we would be now. LOL but yeah, we’d probably still be friends no offense.

Moral of the story: take risks. It's better to know the answer than to leave the answer forever unknown. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.

My day was pretty cool and interesting LOL went and watch Insidious with Jessica, Allanna, Aaron and Andrew. LOL! The ending of the movie pisses me off -_- IT SHOULD BE A HAPPY ENDING ): Anyhow, ending was disappointing but the movie is actually pretty ok! I liked it :D And then we went to Zellers and did some mischief. Good day I must say, We brought two poutine and we all shared LOL! WE also brought bubble tea! TARO!!

Thinking about you

It hurts to know that after physics is over everything is going to end. Because of you, I got the chance to do things that I never would have thought of doing so. Like giving a guy a kiss on the cheek and having honest confessions. I often lie to myself because it helps me avoid the real truth. I felt so happy because of you. I can never forget the look you gave me after that physics class. The day that you kissed me on the cheek. I can never forget how I felt. That feeling is hard to describe but it was very blissful. I can never forget the day when you finished your chemistry lab early and you went to my desk and looked through my binder. I can never forget the first time you held my hand and the first hug you gave me. I can't forget. I still remember the way you dressed at the open house. I still remember the first time I called you and the first time we Skype. I still remember that one time you sang to me. I remember everything you said to me. All those sweet messages and late night conversations. I still remember the first time you talked to me and the first time you inbox me. It was on my birthday. Every time I go back and read those messages I would always smile. Thinking back to the very first day when we don't even talk in physics and how much has changed since then. Life is so weird sometimes. I never thought that sitting beside you would lead me to all this. I don't regret because I was happy because of you. You probably don't know that. Sometimes I wonder if you still read my blog. :P

Even after this semester is over and we do drift, I'm still happy that all of this has happened. 2011 has been so surprising to me so far. Meeting you up until this very moment was something I never expected to happen. Someone like you would give a girl like me all these wonderful memories makes me feel very happy. I'm glad that I met you. You're very special to me.

something good always comes with something bad

I feel so stressed right now. It seems like that its getting worst every week. I can't keep up with this much longer. I honestly can't.

I'm like failing everything that I'm doing in English right now. Physics is giving me a pain because I am so lost. Chemistry is just.. yea. BUT English.. OMFG FUCK!! Like I have other courses too. I can't just give all my time and effort into there.  ommmmg. I feel so bad right now. Like frick!! I have a chemistry quiz tomorrow, physics test and AHHHHHH!! two paragraphs due tomorrow for English! CAN I LIKE LEAVE! FRICK DAD couldn't start the car this morning. EVERYTHING is just crashing down on me right now. I feel like giving up but giving up is so hard because I want to continue.

It's almost May. I'm scared. I scared that after all this is over, there's going to be a distance between us. I mean there always was but two months not seeing him just makes me kind of unwell. I'm really scared actually. To move on. He means something to me. He's special. I still think that he's amazing even though he's a snob sometimes. But I seriously feel like I mean nothing to him at all. Like nothing. It just kinda hurts. He probably doesn't even care about me. I've always wonder what I mean to him, if I mean anything at all. I'm just wondering, the way he acts towards me, is he like that to everyone else too ?

Because it seems like it....................................

Didn’t get to blog the past few days.

Although past few days were stressful and still is… It was a great. Yesterday was great but today was ever greater!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Yesterday hehehehhehe I feel like an idiot right now! :D SOO HAOOOPPPPYYYYY WeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Anyways: Yesterday HAHAHAHAH every time I think about it I smile like yeaaa! :D So we played a game and he won and he gets a prize and he wanted me to give him a kiss on the cheek. SO like yeaa!! HAHAHAHAHAH YEEEEE !!!!!!!!! XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD But like today OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HAHAAHHAAHAHAH yea today, he gave ME one after class. I was like :O because I honestly wasn’t expecting that. I was like ♥ Why does he have to be so cute? I’m like OMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Sigh* (: He always surprises me. GOOD DAAAY!

Happy Easter Everyone

I still want an easter funny!!!! DDD:

What a boring day for me! All I did was eat. Woke up at 12 and eat. EAT EAT EAT. Jheeez I'm gonna gain another pound DD: FMLL

Note to self: eat less...

Painfully, I am finally done my three paragraphs for Frankenstein. OMG I am going to fail English, no joke!!! WEEEEEH!! Jheez I have like nothing to blog about today... WOWOWOWOWOW

Well me and friends are planning to do something on the 29th.. ! I am excited for that :D

my wonderful jar of stars ((:

INSPIRATION WHERE ARE YOU?

I am like dying right now because of ENGLISH!!! I'm so sad. I never got a mark below 70% in English. WOW I GUESS THERE IS A FIRST FOR EVERYTHING -__-" FRICK!

VERY stressful day today! I'm not getting anywhere in this paragraph. I wanna like run away right now and be excused for the rest of my life. NO JOKE. The only part special about today was going to Starbucks and zellers with my sister. WE brought wonder bread.

Sigh* I'm so sad right now ):

Sigh* why I am so boring to talk to sometimes ): I really want to talk to him but I am running out of things to say. I'm so sad... WOW FRICK efffff What to do...  Think carmen think!!! My mind is not working today :/

Anyways he sent me a really cute link
http://www.whoisthecutest.com/
I was like ♥  (((: SO cute Sigh* :D

TODAY

It was a good and bad day today. Let’s start off with good.


Physics was good like always thanks to him! He always makes my day. I feel so lucky to have him with me. Even if he is not always with me at school I still feel happy just seeing him around. I really wish I can spend more time with him. I really like being with him. Being with him just feels so warm. I like that feeling. In physics today he said he was hot so I was like “why are you so hot” and I guess he kind of took it the wrong way LOL I love his random comments and jokes. It’s so lame :P What I also liked about today was chilling at Trisha’s place. It was fun! We talked, played cards, watch t.v and play mah-jong. (y) We also took pictures! LOL I love group photos. Good memories. I love hanging out with them. They never fail to surprise me.

Bad things about today:

Our English “quiz” for Frankenstein turned into a test. Although it said quiz at the front I took it as a test because like WTH there were short and long answers to it!!! I’m failing English like hard core and I’m not even joking... I bet my mark went down at least 10% because of that midterm I wrote like two weeks ago ): SO SAD AND what a great way to end the day but getting such a low mark on my chemistry quiz... I seriously hate my afternoons. And also I made something for him and I wanted to give it to him after class BUT NO he had to leave so quickly ): I was sad.

oh yea I didn't blog last night because I had to study for my "cumulative quiz" that didn't happen today but yea I shall talk about that later.

My day started off very shitty. I had a little argument with dad. I went to school and I slipped at the stairs. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING because I also swore... OUT LOUD AT SCHOOL! That is so not me! D:

I thought that my physics teacher wasn’t going to be in the classroom today because he had to attend a conference. But yea, he was somewhat there. He was going in and out of the classroom which was quite distracting to work. WHATEVER about the work LOL Orville (he) made my entire day. ♥Too bad I was tired. We talked and I slept a bit. We didn’t do much but just being beside him makes me feel really really happy. He has such pretty eyes. What really made my day was that after physics class (when teacher wasn't there) he gave me two hugs. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ I was like ♥ (:

& gym class was torture! It’s probably because I didn’t exercise for such a long time! Evan was on my team for flicker ball? (I know, it’s a weird game name)

MUST WATCH DRAMA LIST OF APRIL

• Love Buffet
• Momo Love
• Sunny Happiness
• My Princess
• Secret Garden
• Dream High
• You're Beautiful
• Gloomy Salad Days
• Summer's Desire
• Sunshine Angel

I'm really busy this summer :P

LI Yifeng 李易峰 - 我曾爱过的女孩

cool song. it has a catchy chorus (y)

I have a very short attention span.

Which is bad.

I can't concentrate right now!! This physics question is pissing me off!! NO JOKE! I'm like dying in physics right now. I am lost once again. I need to find my way back. At least I'm not doing too badly in chemistry.

Pretty interesting day today. I FINALY KNOW WHO SHE IS! YES! After all that hard work! Physics is always interesting like usual. Thanks to him. (: KAYYY! I still can't believe that I gave him my go card! MY PICTURE IS LIKE EWWWWWWWW! Even I can't look at it!!!! EWWWWWWWW :/ I left him a sticky note on his locker but what happened to it???? DD:  -___-"

Our English presentation wasn't too bad. LOL I actually think we did okay ((: YAY happy face. I'm just glad to have it over with.

Boring day today LOL

In physics class we watched a video which about electricity stuff which I thought was pretty dope! LOL! Feels the same in physics between him and I. I actually do feel better. I’m not bothered anymore. But there is still one thing but after tomorrow this knot is going to be untied completely.

In gym class we finish watching Remember the Titans. OMG the ending was so SAD! Thinking back to it I remember at the very beginning of the movie they were at a cemetery! OMMG!! It was foreshadowing something. I really enjoyed the movie. We can learn lots from it and it’s quite meaningful in a way. I just dislike the assignment we have to do for it! Homework for gym is weird in general. In chem class today we did examples. I was like so hungry in that class because me and Mayanne skipped our lunch hour to finish up our English project. We felt bad because our friends were helping us and they missed their lunch hour too! D: I love my friends!

My day yesterday and today:


I didn't blog last night because well, I wasn't really in the mood to do so after what happened. But the morning was pretty great yesterday. We did our story presentations and I actually did OK to my surprise. I plan to make a recording of it maybe. My past presentations were fails. Well to me it was. I had a lot to say but when I'm up there in front of a lot of people I tend to blank out :/ That's why it always ends up not going too well. I hope my presentation on Tuesday for English goes well. I kinda want to skip physics on tomorrow :/ Today, right now, I'm doing my physics homework. Doing my physics homework makes me depressed because I keep thinking back to the test we did last week. NOW THAT WAS A FAIL! NO JOKE D:


So last night, I asked him how he thinks about me and this is what he said
"theres time when you think life is beautiful and then theres times when you hate living i think... you have a weak mentality you let things get to you easily. i think you have the potential to be really smart but you get lazy sometimes you can get really mad at people but you also forgive alot."


And I cannot disagree with him because it's true......

So I told him directly last night. And I kind of got rejected. Kay well he said he’s not ready or something. But I’m glad in a way that I did it. I’d rather regret telling him than not telling him at all. If I never told him I would never know what the answer may be. Although he didn’t exactly give me the answer I wanted but I expected it in a way so I wasn’t surprised. I don’t know what gave me the courage to say it last night. I guess there is a first time for everything.

I’m starting to think that everything he said to me before was fake.

Last night he finished his story about him and Michelle. They broke up. He brought her flowers during the last week of school before Christmas break. She was really happy. Even though they ended but he still liked her for the following 10 months. Wow this hurts. Now that I think back to it everything he said to me links to her in a way. Like when he asked me to buy him flowers. I’m so stupid. I really am. No matter how much effort I put into it, it will never replace the spot he has for her inside his heart.

Although the knot inside me is gone but I had to cut it in order to pull it apart. It hurts. It hurts so much. Everything up until this point was just a dream. But how can I just move on like that? I want to avoid him for the rest of the semester and just let everything between us die away. I want everything back to how it was at the very beginning of this semester. Every time I saw him reminds me of all the tender moments we had. It makes me smile but at the same time it hurts. I think it’s really time to wake up from this dream. I woke up crying this morning which was kind of dumb. But after I cry I tend to feel better. Maybe that's why I always cry. It did hurt last night. I can’t say that I’m okay because I’m not but I know I will be. I just need sometime. A lot of time actually.

wow. having friends that don't even trust you really really hurts.

Well yeah, I don't want to bring up the entire story again because it really pisses me off. WE believed her and she doesn't believe us. No trust. She thinks that we are doing this because of what she did to me. She kept saying me and Andrew. Yes it bothers me because I don't like him. But what hurts me the most is that she thinks we are doing this to get back at her. Like seriously? WOW Why does life have to be like this? Why can't we all just get along. I hate this.

I'm in such a bad mood right now. So pissed. Thanks for ruining my day. I don't appreciate it.

What a relaxing and good day!! I wish every day of my life can be like this. But minus the chemistry quiz that we did today. I think I failed. I know I should have studied.

Spare this morning was fun with Mayanne and Daniel! Daniel is such a good friend!! He was helping us with our English project. We didn’t want to get our hands dirty so he did the pastel part for us!! We owe him so much LOL! He’s cool. In English class we started watching Macbeth the movie. It was somewhat interesting. No offense, but Macbeth was way much older than I thought he would be. I also got my chemistry test today and to my surprise, I didn’t fail. In fact I almost got 80%. AS IF! I seriously thought I failed. Sometimes my test marks really surprises me. My mark went up in chemistry ((: YAY claps*

SO much for confessing today -_- Failed to the extreme. He reminded me that I had something to tell him. I was like “ OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG” I would have told him today if there was time. The sub we had for physics today, he seriously loves to talk. He talked for the entire class. He went on and on and on and on and on. I talked to him the entire class. I love being so close to him. It feels so warm and safe, like everything in this world is okay. I love his smile and his laugh. I love his jokes. He’s such a cool guy. I just wish that I can spend more time with him. I really have something to tell him. But I want to find a good time just like he wants to find the right timing. Every time he holds my hands and sends me sweet messages, it really melts my heart. I smile so stupidly at the computer screen. I feel so loved and happy. Good day. (:

So we’re in the month of April already and it’s snowing outside? Weird.

My friends just called me like four times in a row LOL at first they hung up on me!! I was like ehhhh HAHAH wow so random!

Snow in April! Got to love the weather in Winnipeg (y)