I’m in a blogging mood today. Blogging really helps me sort out my thoughts. I have people that I trust but I just can’t trust them completely. If you know what I mean. I don’t trust myself either. Sometimes keeping everything inside is just too much. You have the urge to just take it all out. This is my way of letting it all out and it helps me. I sometimes talk to my friends about it but sometimes it’s just too hard to explain. I wonder who reads this. No one really knows about this blog except two people. He used to read it but he doesn’t anymore which is good in a way. I don’t know I never seem to know. At 11:11 I always want to make a wish but when it’s actually 11:11 I don’t know what to wish for. It’s just so weird. I don’t understand myself sometimes. I never seem to know what I want or what I really want to do. It feels like I’m missing something but I just don’t know what. Every time I’m faced with something I tend to run away. It’s like the only option for me. I just never know what to do. I try to avoid it for as long as I can until I have no choice but to go out there and face it. I want to see myself in someone else’s point of view. It feels like that I annoy a lot of people sometimes. I don’t mean to be annoying; I just want someone to talk to. I really do that’s why I’m always scared to message people on msn first especially him. I’m scared that they might not want to talk to me or they’re busy or something. I hate how I’m always scared! I want to take the risk. I need to have more confident in myself.

Hey. If you ever do read this, I just want to say that I miss you right now, goodnight and sweet dreams. Thanks for being in class today and being with me. I appreciate it. Hope you have a good day tomorrow and remember to do readers guide!

I’m down to watch a horror movie right now. 

I give up trying to not like him anymore. By this point, I realize that it’s not possible. It’s really hard to just forget someone that once made you smile. So yea, I give up forcing myself to do something that I don’t want to give up on. Even though it’s not possible but I want to try. I don’t want to give up just yet. Just because it didn’t work the first two times doesn’t mean it won’t work the third time or even the fourth time. You never know. You just never know. Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get. You may like it and you may not. But if you don’t try you never know. Maybe one day I will meet the guy of my life. Life is too short for second guessing. Sometimes we just got to live with it and not second guess ourselves. Sometimes you just have to trust and allow yourself to follow your own heart. We don’t always make the right choices but making a choice is better than making none at all. No matter what comes to you, you have to pull through with it no matter how painful it is. Just remember that everything comes to an end. Good or bad it will end eventually. If it still hurts than it’s probably not the end. Sometimes we just have to let go and let fate decide for us. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe my last two mistakes weren’t mistakes after all. If I made a different choice back then, then right now there would be no me and him. Perhaps I’m destined to make those mistakes. That’s why I end up here right now. I can’t say that I don’t regret at all about my last two mistakes but because of those mistakes makes up where I am right now. Now that I think of it, it’s not a mistake at all because meeting him so far was the best thing that has ever occurred in my life. He really makes me smile. 

I just finish reading Along for the ride by Sarah Dessen. It was a very book with a happy ending. I just love happy endings or endings that inspires me and are meaningful. I hate it when someone dies at the end but sometimes life is just like that. We have to live with it and move on. Don't let your past hold you back. Anyway here are some quotes that I really liked from the book.

"Failing sucks. But it's better than the alternative. Which is not even trying Life's short, you know?"

"There are millions of variables. And if even one was different.... maybe everything would be."

“An ending was an ending. No matter how many pages of sentences and paragraphs of great stories led up to it, it would always have the last word."

"It shouldn't be easy to be amazing. Then everything would be. It's the things you fight for and struggle with before earning the greatest worth. When something's difficult to come by, you'll do that much more to make sure it's even harder- if not impossible- to lose."

I know what I'm scared of now. I'm scared to lose him. I know this sounds kind of ehh but it's true. I actually am scared to lose him. I really am. As this school year is almost coming to an end with less than three weeks left, I'm scared. I'm scared he might forget me over summer. What if he meets someone else over summer? Well, it's not like we're together or anything but still, I'm scared. He just slowly became someone that is important me. Every time I attempt to tell him or anything close to that I always end up screwing up. It would be a little bit awkward but then everything would just go back to how it was. I suck at expressing myself. Sometimes I wonder if he likes me too. But I learn not to question my happiness and just live with it. I always forget my only goal every day and that goal is to be happy. I like the feeling of being happy. I'm also scared to lose him because he just makes me so happy. I'm scared to lose that happiness. I know I will once this school year ends. No matter how long a story it, one day it will eventually reach the very last page with the very last sentence and then the very last word. Everything comes to an end. But the end is how we make it. I want this school year to end on a good note and it will. I will prove it. As for me and him, let’s see what happens over summer. As for the grad trip me and my friends decided that we go somewhere on our own. I actually think that it's a better idea.

My legs are so sore from gym class yesterday! Its either we do nothing or 15 minutes on the track. That was just torture. I think I'm going to start exercising for real no joke. It's not that I don't like to exercise; it's just that I'm lazy. I'm always lazy to do things! I must fix that bad habit. I just woke up from my nap like 15 minutes ago. I was so tired today. I have no idea. I slept early too last night. I almost fell asleep in chemistry class today while reading the textbook. That was that boring. NO joke!!

I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of though. I just am.

So we have a graduation trip for us when we grad! I’m excited for it. I really want to go actually. I think it’s really worth it. I mean after grad, everything will be different. Everyone will be heading in all directions and beginning a new chapter of their life. To be honest, I really like the way things are but it would be nice for a change once in a while. Not all changes are bad. Sometimes we just have to let go and things fold by themselves. High school was one of the most memorable moments of my life. I went through so many ups and downs. I can’t even describe some of them but I learnt something from all of them. I now know never to make those mistakes ever again.  I met a lot of new people. I met people that are important to me. I met a whole new group of friends and can always depend on them. I met him. I knew him from before but this semester was the first time we ever talked. It’s cool. I mean, it really is. He is just… I can’t even describe it. I will find that word someday. Every day is like a new page to each chapter. We write each page so why make it bitter? I want each page to be filled with something memorable, something that is worth remembering for. I have one more year of high school to go. Lets make this last year a good one! For now I just want to end grade 11 on a good note. 

Today was such a tiring day. Not to mention my lack of sleep and then writing a physics test first period. I honestly failed that test hard core. That is a moment of my life. I almost fell asleep on my textbook. My physics teacher asked me if I was okay. After the test I was even more tired and I was kind of sad because I did so terribly on it. He actually let me put my head on his shoulder. But didn’t again I didn’t ask. I just did it. It was something that I always wanted to do. Sometimes I’m such a loser. But it was really comfortable. I wanted to keep my distance but once again I failed. Oh well, I failed for good this time.

p.s GYM WAS TORTURE TODAY!!!  

I feel better now! Guess going out actually helps. I walked to Mandy’s house and I got lost. I swear that was the right street. I remember the mailbox! It took me one hour to walk there. I went into the wrong street and it was so quiet. It was dead quiet and I got scared. I walked in a circle and somehow I ended up on the right street. I still don’t know how I got there. Dang, I’m lucky sometimes. Anyhow I failed. I walked right pass her house too! It was a fun hangout. We played truth or dare and 25 questions. It got kind of awkward so we played only one round. The question was if you had to date anyone at Sisler who would it be? It would be him for me. I can’t just stop myself from liking someone especially if that someone is him. He’s just so likeable. He’s cute, funny and his smile. He just melts my heart. But I will try and think about this less. It’s for the better. I’m never going to bring it up again and I should try to see him as a friend. I don't want to fail again for the third time. Failing twice is enough for me. Sometimes it feels like I’m giving him a hard time.

And GOOD MORNING EVERYONE!

Always put a smile on your face (: It’s better than explaining yourself. 

I feel worse than yesterday. I am so screwing everything up. I know I am. I know what to do now. I seriously do this time. I’m not going to like him anymore. I don’t know how though but I will try. I’ll force my feelings to die out and only think of him as a friend. Just a friend and nothing more, not even a close a friend. Every time it gets too close I fall for him more. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I seriously don’t. I'm lost in directions. I’m scared you know. I really am. I can’t forget the words he said to me the other night. I can’t get it out of my head. I amaze myself sometimes. I realized that I am good at something and that is failing. I’m so good at it I can even teach it. I’m so pro. I always succeed in it.

Lesson well taught. After all of this over, I never want to like anyone any more. I don’t want to go through this process ever again in my life. I seriously don’t. That feeling, it just hurts a lot. I have no one to blame but myself. No one told me to fall for him. I just kind of did. I don’t regret though. He is not a regret. He is someone that I don’t ever want to forget. I don’t want to replace him because I know at this moment I can’t. But either how, I will go through with this. After all I still want him as a friend, like he said.

I’m going to St. Vital now! YAYAY! (: SHOPPING!! I was on blog TV with sister earlier! HAHA what a fail :P 

I just finish editing my essay! It still sucks. Oh WELL! I’m actually hungry right now but I’m too lazy to get food. Oh well, the world is going to end anyway. JK! HMM But it may end, you never know. JHEEZ no offense my dad is so annoying! He is always telling me to sleep even if I am studying or something. I don’t want to sleep but maybe I should. Sleeping is the best way to take your mind off things. But the thing is, I’ve been having been dreams the past two days. I’m actually scared in a way to go to sleep now. I never told anyone this. I don’t know. It seems weird to talk to someone about your dreams. I am so hungry right now and I ate dinner not too long ago. I want to sleep but at the same time I want to talk to him. But perhaps it is not a good time after what happened last night. Thinking back to it still kind of makes me uneasy in a way. I don’t want to ruin this friendship. But to be honest, I can’t think of him just as a friend and only as a friend. I always feel something more. Maybe I shouldn’t have left like that last night. I can be rude sometimes. 

Hey look its 11:11

dear world: so much for ending. I'm still living

What does it mean to live? This is a question that I got from a movie. The ending was sad but the movie made me think. It’s one of those inspiring movies that really gets you to think. I was really inspired by it. I ask myself this question almost every day. What does it mean to live?

It’s like failing once is not enough but I have decided to fail again. I have a fail relationship life. Its either I have bad timing or something. Its always something. Always. It seems like I always fall for the wrong person. If I can do anything right now, I want to leave. I really do. I’m scared that if I go back to school I might fall for him even more. Its like I’m digging myself a hole and then jumping into it. I’m such an idiot. I should bring a rope next time so I can get back up. I should keep my distance. I want to and I tried many times but I always end up failing. The more time I spend with him, even if its just talking on msn I could feel myself digging myself a bigger hole. When will I finally understand it? He is clearly not interested. Stop believing that maybe one day he will. He won’t and he never will. Why can’t I see that? I somehow always have a way of convincing myself but I always end up giving myself false hope. It hurts more every single time because more and more memories are added to it. I’m actually wishing that the world ends today.

My day was actually well productive today. I am proud. I am well caught up in English and I read like the entire day. I need to keep my mind off this! It kind of hurts just thinking about it. -_- COME ON CARMEN! You can do it! Just don’t think about it! Summer is coming. I want to find a new way to vent. I don’t like crying to be honest. It feels weird. You just cry and then later you’re like why was I even crying? To be honest it does help me feel better in a way. I guess that crying is just a habit for me. Like, I cry when I’m happy, sad or angry. When I’m watching a death scene in a movie or just couples facing problems and yet still managed to be together. Its so touching. I try not to cry though because it is embarrassing, especially in front of everyone. Its so awkward. So yea, need to find a different method. I live near a pond. I thought about walking there when I’m sad and just yelling. But if someone hears me, they might think I’m crazy!

*Raining the entire day. Is he in a mad mood?    

If the world ends tomorrow, I’d like to say

I didn’t blog the past two days because I was lazy and I still am. So, I heard that the world is ending tomorrow... o_O

If the world ends tomorrow, I’d like to say that I still like you. I still have something towards you. Every time I pass by you or see you in the hallway my heart still skips a beat. Every time when you message me I still smile. Every single time. School is going to end soon and then it will be summer. I still can’t believe that all of this happened. It is something that I never expected or thought of. A guy like you would ask a girl like me to sit beside you. To be honest, I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone especially you. I really want everyone to be happy. I want you to be happy. You look so happy when you smile. I want to see your smile all the time. I don’t know if next year will still be the same between us. When this semester is over, its all just going to be memories, sweet memories. I miss your hugs. Jessica and Mandy was over at my house earlier. I walked them half way back and I walked back by myself. Along the way, I thought of a lot of things. I thought of how you were just this random guy that I know since elementary to this guy that I share the most precious memories with. I still remember that at the very beginning of this semester, I wanted it to end. Now that it is actually coming to an end, I’m actually wishing that it would last just a bit longer. Even if it is just one day or even just one hour, I still want to spend it with you. I don’t know if I will ever get that chance again. I want to not like you. In fact sometimes I wish that I never met you. I don’t know if meeting you was lucky or unlucky. I don’t know if agreeing to sit beside you that day was the right choice or not. All I know was that meeting you changed the way I looked at things. You are leaving me a huge impact of my high school life. There is still one more year for us but I don’t think anything else can top this. Its just so special that every time I think back to it, it still seems so unreal. I’m still questioning if this is a dream or not.

Two nights ago, I had a very bad dream. I woke up feeling very uneasy and uncomfortable. The dream was, we were in physics class and you left the classroom to do something else. The bell rang and you came back to wait for me outside the classroom. I was very happy but then all of a sudden, you had a phone call. You answered the phone and you just left without saying bye or anything. I ran after you, calling your name. I held onto your arm and asked you where you were going. You said that you had choir and you just left. Then I went with my friends and we started walking around. I then saw you in the hallway with another girl. You guys were together and I saw you leading towards her and fixing her hair. Inside I was like "I thought that you had choir. Are you lying to me?" At that very moment, I woke up. I’m so glad that I did. It was the worst dream that I ever had because it just felt so real, too real. I was really scared. I’m scared that one day you will actually lose interest in me and just stop talking to me all together.

I saw Mark again today. He still looks the same :P and he is still shorter than me! Walking with him again, just us two, brings back the memoires when I walked him to his classes back in grade 10.Even though it was only like two minutes and we barely even talked but then again back then it was about 2 minutes too. Seeing him today was kind of awkward in a way but still I’m glad. Its nice to see old friends again. He is a boomer! JK!  

HEY HEY HEY

Today is almost coming to an end. Tomorrow is a different day. I wonder how its going to be like. HMMM

Overall it was a decent day today. What I really liked about today was lunch with friends. They never fail to make to smile sometimes. Brought TCBY for an after lunch snack. I have like no idea what I’m doing physics. I do not know what I'm going to know. DANG! :/

*listening to 2am – you won’t answer my calls.

Anyway, chemistry was somewhat depressing. On the test, I made one calculation error and the rest got wrong. I’m sad and mad at myself. I handed in my test early too! EFF MY LIFE! After school went to Starbucks with fam. (:

*listening to Infinite- Can U smile :P

I AM A FOOL. There’s a difference in actually liking someone and being interested in them. I thought that I like him but umm to be honest I don’t even know anymore. It feels like that I am waiting for something that is never going to happen. Like seriously never. It is not something that I want to think about often but somehow it just gets into my mind. *sigh. I still think that he’s amazing. He’s a really good guy I must say. He’s kind and can really find a way to make you smile. I don’t know. This is somewhat strange perhaps hard to understand. Should I not wait anymore? Am I even waiting…?  I don’t even know what I’m doing. What do I really want?

what a day

I had a pretty good sleep last night. I didn’t wake up until it was 9am! YAY for spares in the morning! Physics was just boring!!! We went to the computer lab. We were supposed to read about waves online but dang, its boring. It was making me sleepy. But I can’t sleep if he’s there. He makes class so interesting. I'm not even gonna lie. We google map stuff! He wanted to walk from China to Japan! WOW LOl It takes 31 days and 15 hours. That is, if you walk nonstop. Choir was [insert feeling here] like always. I seriously think he should addition for the solo. He looks so cute when he sings. I would go for it too but 1. My voice is still kinda screwed up 2. I won’t make it anyway.

So yeah, after school my mom kinda didn’t come pick us up. WHAT WAS THAT! We waited for like half an hour and my sister finally decided that we should bus. We fail at bussing. We got onto the new buses and yea. I told my sister to get off at the front of the bus but she wanted to try and get out at the back. HAHA she didn’t know how to open the door. FAIL! And the bus driver didn’t even bother helping us and made us miss our stop. We had to get off one stop later. Jacky’s sister helped us learn how to open the door. THANK YOU!

I will go finish my paragraph now. I want to go outside later.

We went to cemetery yesterday to visit grandpa. I miss him. I don’t even know him but I miss him. He died like two years before I was even born. I wish I knew him. When I was little my grandma would always talk about him and how that if he was still living he would love us a lot. If he was here I would love him a lot too. I wish he was. This is a regret but it wasn’t something that I could have prevented. I call my grandma every single night to make sure she is doing well because she is always alone. I wish grandpa was still here to be with her. So yea, that was my morning.

We drove to Starbucks later in the afternoon to buy drinks but NO they had to run out of ice. I told my mom what happened and she was like “are you serious? Safeway has ice”. HMMMM good point mom. Oh well, dad treated us to Tim Hortons. (y) Works for me. I finished my essay and was on webcam with Mandy, Jeff, Aaron and Trisha. I was also on cam later with him. Well I was, he didn’t show himself lol! I see how it is but I don’t mind though. :P 

HAHAHAH On webcam with Aaron, Jeff and Mandy right. I should be doing my essay but I will do it tomorrow!!! I will finish chemistry after this.

My day today: Chinese exam was okay. It was somewhat long. But then again, I didn't really study for it. I should have LOL I should have slept earlier too but I wanted to talk to him and I want to right now but he's BRB!!! ): he tends to be gone for over an hour. I spent my entire day mostly working on my essay. I only got my introduction done and half a paragraph. I fail!

* I hear sirens right now :O

Going to cemetery tomorrow to see grandpa.

So much for studying and starting my introduction. I'm kinda waiting for him to go online. I don't know why but I guess it just became a habit for me. I'm tired actually but I want to talk to him. I really do. Every single time he messages me I would just smile. I hope he's not mad at me. ):

I swear, I am going to fail that exam tomorrow. No joke D: But then again, it can't be that bad.. right?? My friend is planning to confess to my other friend tonight. Well maybe, that's what he said. If he does, I really hope he succeeds. (Y) I would actually like to see them together. Its cute. To study or not to study: that is the question. I somewhat studied. Why did I even go online LOL -_-"

I WANNA GO shopping!! I miss buying things. I want ice cream! and rice! But most importantly, I want to finish this essay and chemistry assignment. I will study now. *determined face

DEAR BLOG & Happy Friday 13th ;D

DEAR BLOG : What happened to you yesterday ): I was so sad because you were gone. SAD FACE

What a day today! It started off kind of awkward. I thought I saw my friend Peggy so I waved and apparently it wasn't. Last time I'm ever waving first. I'm just saying. Physics was interesting like always. We did two waves lab. I like doing labs. Well, its not like I do anything. When we do labs I have more time with him. I must say, time with him is special. I must not slack off this weekend. I have a major essay due on Monday. HAHA I wanted to ditch my friend this morning but I felt bad. Even though she is bossy, annoying and self-centred but either how she is my friend. :P We did have actual gym class today because last time we went, we didn't do anything and she is disappointed at us. :O We had to pass around paper and answer the questions on it. Some group crossed out our answer which was peer pressure and so when the paper came back to us we crossed out their answer and rewrote ours! We're cool like that! (y)

The drama yesterday at Tyndall was interesting. Although I didn’t quite understand it. It was also half empty. I remember when we did our drama production it was a full house. My sister told me that fewer and fewer people are attending Tyndall now. I think its a great school. Once a Tyndall park kid, always a Tyndall park kid!

I should go start my intro for my essay now and study for my Chinese exam tomorrow :O

Yesterday

I see how it is. So after school I was standing by myself. She was standing by herself. He comes over, messes my hair up and goes and talks to his ex. REALLY? OKAY. I see. I get it. Whatever. Its not like I care or anything. I’m just saying. Thinking back to it, a lot of things he said to me didn’t quite make sense. I will get to the end of this before this semester ends. I swear I will. He told me he got my sister’s msn off facebook but he added her on msn first and then on facebook. How does that make sense? And that friend, who is he? Too many pieces of this puzzle are missing. I can’t just leave it missing. I will find it and put it all together by all means. I will get to the end of this. As for everything else, between me and him, I think I see it now. We are impossible….. I should just forget everything. :/

Kay, so I hate coughing. I kept coughing during my physics test and it was you know, somewhat quiet. I should have taken my mom’s advice and brought water to school. We went to watch the talent show today at lunch. The dances were amazing! (y) 10+ points. The poem that that guy was reading was very touching. It really was. I really enjoyed that part. Me and Mayanne actually did work in chemistry today! So proud (: So apparently, I’m sending my cousin emails asking to borrow money. WTF

Siblings and I are about to leave and head to Tyndall Park. That place still brings back many memories. We are going to watch my cousin in their drama production this year. Brings back memories when I was in our drama production way back in grade 6! Wow, can’t believe I’m in grade 11 now and soon to be in grade 12 and then graduation! :O 

I fail

I seriously fail at studying. After I’m done typing this I WILL STUDY! I am determined. (ehhhh) I will TRY and study. I should at least look everything over. I want to past this test. But if anything, I’d rather spend time with him. My day was pretty decent. I just hate coughing and sneezing and having a runny nose. It feels so gross! We did a lab in physics today. I should actually hand my things in for physics. There is no point in doing it if I’m not going to hand it in.

Last night, I read back to some of my old blog entries. One of the last posts that I wrote was reflections for the year of 2010. At the end of that post I put “I hope that 2011 will bring me even more memories that I can remember forever”.  It kind of foreshadows. So far, 2011 has been the most special year for me. I can’t explain it in words but it is satisfying. I met him and a whole new group of friends. Because of my friends, I got to do things and go to different places. We had sharing circles and late night conversations at 1am. I met him. He makes me smile and laugh for no reasons. He has given me chances to do things I never actually thought that I would do. He made me feel special. He is someone that I don’t regret meeting. 2011 so far has been so unexpecting for me. Its just so weird sometimes. 

This chemistry assignment is taking way longer than I thought it would take. Seriously, it's so stupid. I'm just saying. 8-) My nose feels so bad right now. So much for getting better. I hate my life!! STOP DESTROYING IT!!!!!

It feels like that I'm always waiting for something that is never going to happen. Something that is not meant to be. I want to give up sometimes but I still end up waiting. I want to make some positive decent changes in my life but somehow I would still end up in the same place. It feels like I’m never moving forward no matter how hard I try. It’s like I’m running in circles and always ending up where I started. Where is the twist in my life story? Sometimes it feels like that no matter how hard I try my efforts will never be paid off. It never goes accordingly. I stopped planning things because it never works out. This is proven to be true for me because every time I plan to do something it never happens. Or something bad happens while planning it. It just never works. For once in my life, I just want something to work out. I feel like a failure sometimes. I've been working on this chemistry assignment for hours and I'm not getting anywhere. All I do is wait for nothing. Sometimes if feels like I'm wasting a human life. I sometimes wonder how my life would be if I don't live in Winnipeg or Canada. What if my parents never even moved to Canada? Would I be in China? I wonder a lot. I wonder if I can create a miracle if miracles do exist. I would like to know answers. Answers to questions that I'm scared to ask and scared to know.

I'm so heartless sometimes ):

I tend to forget things so easily. It makes me feel bad. I feel so heartless sometimes. I want you to know that I care but I don’t think I’m succeeding.

I had a spare this morning. I feel so much better now. Last night was bad for me. I didn’t even get much studying done. What a fail. The test was long. I don’t think I got 85% on it. I just lost the bet between me and Andrew. My stupid physics teacher just told us that we have a test on Thursday. I hate physics. I only like it because he’s there. I can seriously look at him for the entire day and not get bored. He’s so <3 He is so cute!! OMG (((: It feels like I owe him sometimes. I was supposed to give him a kiss today but I didn’t and he gave me one. I feel really bad. I get scared sometimes. Sometimes I can’t be myself around him because I’m scared that one day he will find out that I’m not as good as he once thought I was, like at the very beginning of this semester. I’m scared. :/

Every day is going by too fast. He’s the only reason I look forward to going to school. He’s the reason that I always go on msn. Basically he’s the only one that I want to talk to. Sometimes I don’t know what I want. I confuse myself sometimes. All I know is that I don’t want to give up. Starting now, I will try my best and make effort. I don’t want to give up just yet. Perhaps I don’t want to give up at all. I would love to see what is going to happen before this school year ends. I hope its not something that disappoints me.